Lately I’ve been looking at colleges more in depth than ever before. Before last summer, the most I’d ever done was Google the average acceptance rates of “good” colleges and call it a day. And even then, I didn’t really know what I was looking for.

From the age of three to nine, I was convinced that I was destined to become the world’s most impressive surgeon. I would never lose a patient, I’d make a ton of money, bring honor to my family name, and prove the copious amount of haters that I’ve amassed over the years wrong.

That dream unraveled out of existence as quickly as it was woven into my brain, because I am not staying in school for that long. Also, the idea that my decisions determine whether or not someone lives absolutely wrecked my conscience and made me anxious for a good few days.

So naturally, I moved onto the next dream. A lawyer.

I’m argumentative, know how to research in depth, really enjoy defending a case, and I wouldn’t have to work in a hospital.

That dream died a little slower, more of a dreadful, painful death as I realized that wasn’t at all what I wanted to do. I don’t want to wake up and go ‘oh gosh, so excited to work my butt off just so that I may or may not ‘make partner’ (whatever ‘making partner’ means, anyway).

From that point on, I jumped from idea to idea, the only consistent factor being that I need to write in order to be happy. I have to write about things that I care about. I have to feel like I’m making a difference for someone somehow. 

Which brings me back to the whole college thing. UT Austin, Vanderbilt, and a couple of others have been on my mind for varying reasons.

Vanderbilt, because it’s in Nashville, Tennessee, which is definitely in my top ten cities of all time ranking. The campus is beautiful, the town is awesome, and it seems like a pretty good place to be (not terribly far, and not too close).

But then there’s UT Austin.

I have yet to tour the campus, but it’s said to have a really good journalism program. And while I’m not entirely sure that that’s where my path leads, it’s something that I enjoy and hope to get better at. Plus, there’s plenty of benefits for staying in-state.

For the first time in nearly three years, the thought of college doesn’t send me spiraling into a fit of panic, and it’s refreshing to feel so much lighter when I think about my future. Not that it’s an easy decision to make, or that I’ve got everything worked out (I really, really don’t), but understanding that I have options feels more like a gift than a burden.