I love sweets. I have a huge sweet tooth. Sweets are one of the best things about life on Earth and the different advancements people have made to enhance the experience of eating sugary delights have been amazing. Like whipped cream and graham crackers! However, not every advancement in this delectable culinary branch has been one to be proud about. Some have not even been good enough to even be neutral about, so with that I can say that I have never hated anything more in the world than maraschino cherries.

Before we continue into the production of maraschino cherries, I would like to clarify that I specifically hate regular store-brand maraschino cherries, the kind of wholesale type that are most commonly found at ice cream parlors and such. I am only slightly indignant towards the original Luxardo maraschino cherries which are produced differently and are made using a secret family recipe. Regular maraschino cherries, however, are literal chemical garbage (which is my cute little nickname for them). In fact, I hate them so much that I think any situation involving maraschino cherries should be handled like this (refer to link for further understanding).

Now, to how they are made. Maraschino cherries begin from a light colored strand of cherries that are usually yellow in color typically from the Rainier variety that are then bleached in a solution of sulfur dioxide and calcium chloride to be white. Sounds delicious, I know. I will give you a moment to let the shock soak in. After that, they are left to soak in a mixture of artificial food coloring and artificial flavoring.

As I said before, literal chemical garbage. Now, if that doesn’t make you want to scream and projectile vomit everything you’ve ever consumed with a maraschino cherry before, here’s the kicker; they don’t even taste good! I cannot comprehend people that like maraschino cherries. They taste syrupy, sweet, and a lot like the cough syrup you’d fight your mom not to make you take in grade school.

If you like maraschino cherries, am I judging you? Yes. Can we still be friends, though? Also, yes. In fact, I respect anyone that likes maraschino cherries and I love befriending people who like things that I hate because I hate wasting things. If we were ever having a meal together and a maraschino cherry was served to me, now I can rest easy knowing that I don’t have to throw it away. I can just give it to my good friend with a garbage taste palate.

Not convinced yet? Well, I’m not done. First off, they are low in nutrients, high in added sugars, during the bleaching process, they lose all of their antioxidants, they are jam packed with syrup in their bottles or cans (more sugar), the Red 40 dye used in their making has a chemical known as benzidine in it which is related in the increased risk of bladder cancer and more commonly used in the making of hair dye and aluminum, their color is just so unnatural and uneasy on the eyes, need I go on?

I take it that I seem harsh and bold in my hatred for these tiny, syrupy, balls of utter waste, but what do you expect? I was not lying in the title when I said that I abhor them. I think that no matter how long I live, I will never be able to get over this hatred, and I understand that a lot of the time in these columns, I express ideas of love and not judging others for seemingly trivial things, but we all have our flaws and my flaw and the world’s flaw, really, is maraschino cherries. If I could I would never ever touch or even look at one again.