Over the years, I’ve grown to articulate myself with an air of eloquence, process information with ease, and produce content and perform at a level that I’m proud of.

And in that same regard, I’ve grown to be stupid.

I’ve always considered myself a fast learner. I generally grasp concepts quickly, and as a kid I was praised for my ability to easily follow directions. 

That being said, it’s made my brain mushy. I almost have to train myself to make decisions for myself, and to stay calm and collected when I can’t figure something out right away. I often become overwhelmed instead of rolling with the confusion.

The inability to appreciate my autonomy is sad, but it is genuinely harder for me to learn through failure than through success. I don’t allow myself to fall flat on my face and try again. I just lay there with my cheeks on the pavement.

Junior year has presented its fair share of challenges, ranging from learning a whole new sport to taking leadership roles in my previous existing communities.

It’s hard to feel like the fastest and smartest when you’re flying by the seat of your pants, especially when people are counting on you to excel at the level you have previously.

Lately, everything seems harder than it ever has before—from maintaining writing as my life’s passion, to learning a new skill—I often feel late to the party when the time comes to execute a task.

Continuing to have strengths isn’t enough if I’m not trying harder things that make me anxious, like driving on a packed highway during rush hour or getting an interview off campus. My fear of failure and immediately being the best is so deeply intertwined with my stress that being watched while doing basic tasks drives me insane.

But the struggling isn’t what makes me stupid.

It’s my consistent pattern of thinking that I’m not a human being, that I’m above that struggle.

So lately I’ve had to step outside of myself, and into performance mode. 

Being the center of attention, performing tasks and having hard conversations all take place in this state of dissociation for me—in that moment, I am thinking of how a prima ballerina would look or speak. How an NHL hockey player would assess something going wrong. How people I know personally that must perform all these same tasks are approaching it.

One day the smile on my face will stem from a place of calmness, but for now, I work on getting a little less stupid while in performance mode, and carrying that newfound intelligence into real life.