As someone who has been performing her whole life, whether that be through youth’s choir or color guard, I’ve always felt that the only way to succeed is to project yourself.

That’s true to a degree, but sometimes it feels like I’m performing my life as the world’s worst screenplay instead of living.

There’s this sense of unease all the time when I can’t accurately map out my day hour by hour. It sucks, but that’s how my brain works: I need categories and lists and clear concrete answers.

Lately, my brother’s been trying to get those walls to come down, and it’s not always that successful. More often than not, I feel more awkward and anxious than when we started, because someone noticing these things about me only makes me want to project further.

I’m at this point where I’m in a position to only take things day by day, but I hate the idea of knowing what’s to come or how I’ll act when it does.

I was the kind of kid that filled journals with plans and schedules, and would freak out in front of the front door if we were a minute behind our usual time of departure for school every morning.

So trying to pretend to be calm and laid back all the time is pretty difficult, and the end of year is really pulling the perfectionist beast out of me. 

I studied like crazy for physics, which is hilarious, and I still scored way lower than I’d anticipated. If I weren’t absolutely exhausted, I’d probably still be sulking about it,

But in light of the whole ‘self growth’ thing, I’m gonna try not to suppress the anxiety, but also not let it overwhelm me.

Big things are coming, so I can’t afford to choke now.