Hesitation has been beating me from behind pretty badly.

I’ve missed a lot of really cool opportunities because I’m slow to act. I’ll think and think and think until the moment darts through my fingers like fish in a pond.

And it’s not that I can’t make a decision. I can be pretty decisive when I need to be, that’s the whole point of being a leader. But whenever there’s something I’m passionate about, or could alter my life in some way, I falter.

Lately, there’s been an influx of start-up projects that need writers to help bring the concepts to life. 

Despite that being one of my biggest dreams, I still stare at applications until the very last second, the deadlines drawing closer and closer until I eventually shoot myself in the foot. 

This mindset bleeds into other things I’m passionate about, like color guard—there’s nothing worse than letting yourself become unsure during a performance. You have to know exactly when and how to approach tosses and choreography, or you’re pretty much cooked.

The ‘number of times Faith’s jammed a middle finger approaching the exact same right handed rifle toss with slow hands’ counter has risen by an embarrassing number in the past two weeks, and it’s starting to get annoying.

Training yourself out of that kind of hesitation, that fear of pain or failure, is an active effort. Which is ironic, because usually, the hesitation itself is what hurts the most. (See: my middle finger that is twice the size of the other nine.)

It makes me wonder what instilled this in me. I see a lot of my peers that attack their tosses or seize opportunities or start conversations with strangers without being coaxed into those interactions—how did you get there?

Will I be the kind of person that speaks loudly before my three year comfort mark? Will I eve be the person that can straighten their finger without grimacing?

How do you hesitate to hesitate?