As someone who has a lot going on in their head at all times, television and book indulgence have pretty much always been my go-to way of drowning those things out.

Media consumption probably shouldn’t be a coping mechanism, but that’s just how it’s been for most of my life. Growing up, my siblings and I weren’t super close initially; my mom was always working, and the absence of a father figure is its own beast entirely.

So when I didn’t feel like I could turn to anyone, there were cartoons on my screen. And I’ve had the pleasure of growing up in an era of pretty notable media and peak hyperfixation content. I had new stuff to turn to and older things to fall back on.

Why would I cry when I could just reread Percy Jackson? Is anything I’m going through really that bad if a character who shares my feelings gets a happy resolution?

I’ve tried to keep that mentality as I got older, whether it’s a life-altering event, like death, a nagging crush, or feeling inadequate at random.

Usually, it works pretty well. 

But lately, something’s different. The thin shroud of comfort that an upbeat character gives me has started to slip out from in front of me. It kind of feels like I’m alone all over again, even when I’m not. 

It sucks because it leaves me with this cold discomfort. I’ve been through a lot, but I’ve never let it linger for too long before trying to move on. But everything’s starting to ferment, and I can’t stand it. 

How do you cope when the only thing that’s worked stops working, you know?

The more I sit on it, the more I’ve come to realize that coping is not the same as healing. Kinda sucks to have things you’ve buried get hurled back at you like a steaming pile of garbage.

Seeing myself in characters has always made me feel a little bit more powerful because our shared flaws appeal to somebody somewhere in the world, which means it’ll all be okay, in a way.

Now, those things just make me feel sick. It feels more like I’m grasping at straws, and I’m not sure if I’m alone in that feeling or not.

Regardless, I think it’s time to project a little less and let myself experience things again. For a while, going through the motions was way too much to bear, but now that I’m more mature (if you can call someone who rewatches the Trolls trilogy routinely mature), sifting through my feelings may not be that bad.

Maybe one day, I won’t need words on a page or characters on a screen to get me through the hard stuff.